Thursday, October 20, 2005

Urgent and Horrifying Bulletin

I watched the Steelers game at a local bar that has the Sunday Ticket and I was terribly dismayed at something that I consider to be of dire importance to all football fans, something that I dare say rises to the level of being a matter of homeland security. I’m talking about the infiltration of nerds into the realm of NFL football.

The increase in the number of nerds is, of course, directly attributable to the rise of fantasy football as a national pastime. Nerds don’t even like the football part of it. They just like crunching numbers and the good-natured shit talking that makes them feel like they’re one of the guys. Now, I do think that fantasy football serves a legitimate role as a way for preexisting football fans to get in on a little extra action every week. More importantly, fantasy football has arguably prevented countless suicide attempts of fans of 4-12 teams for whom the football season would have otherwise been an unbearable experience. If football fans were smarter we would have kept a lid on it and prevented the influx of nerds before it even started, but we didn’t do that, and now they’re here to stay, and they’re really annoying.

Whenever you see a group of four or more males in their mid to late 20s with no female in sight you are probably dealing with a pack of nerds. And much to my chagrin as I was watching the Steelers game on Sunday I found myself surrounded by an entire fucking fantasy league of nerds, complete with Mac/PC shit talking and everything (one guy even had to go home when his wife called). Now, whenever dealing with a pack of nerds it is important to keep in mind that there is always a leader, a person whom the rest of the group looks to for validation as if what he thinks actually makes a difference. This is often the member of the pack with the most advanced Dungeons and Dragons character, but they have also been known to arrange their hierarchy in terms of knowledge of Star Trek or their proficiency at the latest first-person shooter computer game. I had the misfortune of having the seat at the bar adjacent to the king of this particular group. He was short, pudgy, and had glasses and a ponytail. He also took it upon himself to keep score of the weekly fantasy points for practically every team in the league on a sheet of paper during the course of the games. Not just touchdowns either. He recorded every yard, reception, sack and point allowed for all nine of the 1:00 games. Why this fucking guy didn’t just sit in front of his computer and watch Stat-Tracker is beyond me. At first it was only slightly annoying, but when a Tommy Maddox interception was followed by a joyous cry that the Jacksonville defense had just gotten two points it became personal.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation it is essential to understand a couple of things about who you are dealing with. First of all, the conventional wisdom is that nerds are somehow smarter than the rest of the population. That is bullshit. As Greg likes to say, “If nerds were really smart then they wouldn’t be nerds.” The other important thing to remember is that all nerds are pussies (although not all pussies are necessarily nerds). When these two universal truths are combined the inescapable conclusion is that you don’t have to put up with their shit. I decided to test my theory out at the bar on Sunday during the fourth quarter of the game. After a sack by the Jaguars defense resulted in yet another pointless celebration by the geek sitting next to me I turned to him and said, “Hey, Poindexter, why don’t you give it a fucking rest.” I wish I could say that things escalated from there, but all that followed was a meek apology (by him, not me). The point I'm trying to make is that it is really easy to put these nerds in their place and real football fans shouldn't tolerate any of their bullshit. In fact, it is the duty of any real football fan to make sure these nerds understand who is boss when it comes to football. We must not allow the proud tradition of the sport to be compromised by a bunch of mama’s boys who watch the games for all the wrong reasons.


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