Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Why I Hate the Vikings

Perhaps I went a little overboard last week in my degradation of the Bears. As an act of good faith I would like to take this opportunity to rip on the Minnesota Vikings, a noble gesture that I hope all football fans in Chicago will truly appreciate. First of all, it behooves me to mention I grew up in a predominantly Vikings-loving area of the country, which has given me a deep and penetrating hatred of the Purple People Eaters. A lot of people ask me why I don't like the Vikings. I don't really know how to respond to such a stupid question because I don't understand how anyone could like them. The truth is that nobody likes the Vikings. I know for a fact that the tried and true Vikings fans in Minnesota actually hate the Vikings for all the disappointments and stupid moves they've suffered through over the years. The problem is that people in Minnesota are passive aggressive about shit, so they keep rooting for the Vikings even though they know deep down inside that their season is just going to end in crippling heartbreak as always. To prove that the Vikings are the worst franchise in sports, I have compiled a list of the top-five notorious moments in Vikings history.

1. Losing Four Super Bowls in Eight Years - Even though they were heavily favored, the Vikings lost Super Bowl IV to the Chiefs and Super Bowl IX to Steelers. Their other defeats came at the hands of the Dolphins in Super Bowl VIII and the Raiders in Super Bowl XI. It's a shame that young people today will never truly appreciate just how disappointing the '70s Vikings were because of the more recent Super Bowl futility of the Bills.

2. Herschel Walker Trade - This blunder is widely regarded as the worst sports trade of the modern era. In 1989 the Vikings gave up three first-round picks, three second-round picks, a third-round pick and a sixth-round pick plus five players to Dallas in exchange for Walker, two third-round picks, a fifth-round pick and a tenth-round pick. Dallas parlayed the draft picks into three Super Bowls. Herschel Walker spent three years with the Vikings and never ran for more than 825 yards in a season.

3. Dimitrius Underwood Debacle - The Vikings' first-round draft pick in 1999 was a DE from Michigan State named Dimitrius Underwood. He disappeared one day after the start of the Vikings' training camp; when he was located the Vikings agreed to release him so that Underwood could pursue a career in the ministry. Later in the same preseason Underwood un-retired to join the Dolphins, who had picked him up on waivers. During his tenure in Miami he was arrested during the Dolphins' bye week for nonpayment of child support. He later tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself in the throat and was placed in a mental hospital, from which he subsequently escaped. All of this, however, did not prevent the Cowboys from taking a chance on him. As a Cowboy Underwood was arrested for reckless driving and attempted to kill himself again. After being released by the Cowboys Underwood was arrested in 2003 and found mentally incompetent to stand trial on charges that he robbed a man in a wheelchair.

4. NFC Championship Gutlessness - The 15-1 Vikings lost to the Falcons in the Metrodome in January of 1999 after Gary Anderson, who had not missed a field goal the entire season, botched a 38-yard attempt with the Vikings up by seven and a little over two minutes left in regulation. The Falcons took over on offense and drove the field for a game-tying TD and eventually won the game in overtime on the strength of a Morten Andersen field goal. Two years later the Vikings lost to the Giants 41-0 in the biggest NFC Championship rout in NFL history. The ironic part was that the Vikings could have clinched home field advantage throughout the playoffs if they had won their last regular season game against the Colts. Instead, the Vikings mailed it in, which also happened to give the Colts the victory necessary to edge out the Steelers for the last AFC playoff spot. I hated that fucking team and have never forgiven the Vikings for that game.

5. Sex Boat Scandal - I don't really need to explain this one too much because it happened only a couple of months ago. Basically, the Vikes decided to have an orgy on board a boat in Lake Minnetonka. It makes perfect sense to me, but apparently this sort of bacchanalia is frowned upon in the suburbs of Minneapolis. It supposedly traumatized a few blonde teenage Christian bitches who were working on the boat, but that seems like a small price to pay for an afternoon of group sex. What a bunch of up-tight Lutheran assholes.

Honorable Mention: Wrong-Way Jim Marshall, the Randy Moss trade, Randy Moss running over a traffic cop, Mike Tice crying in the locker room, Tom Clancy's attempt to become their owner, Korey Stringer's death in training camp, missing the playoffs on the last play of the '03 season, allowing the clock to run out on them during the draft, etc.... This list is non-exhaustive; there are likely hundreds, if not thousands, of items you could include, but I simply don't have the resources at my disposal necessary to do a thorough job. I'll leave you now with a picture of the apparatus known as the the Whizzinator, made famous by Vikings RB Onterrio Smith. It comes in white, tan, latino, brown and black. It makes a perfect Christmas or Hanukkah gift. Speaking of which, I hope everyone reading this has a joyous holiday season.


Blogger Second Eye said...

I love the Vikings.

and uhh.. you're not Tiki Barber.. ok Dimitrius?

3:00 PM  

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