2006 Season Preview: #24 Minnesota Vikings
Walking through the Mall of America last May, I was startled to notice that the only Vikings jerseys on display in the sports retailers were those of Brad Johnson, Chester Taylor and Koren Robinson. Even for a franchise as shitty as the Minnesota Vikings, those are pretty shitty franchise players. To make matters even worse for the Purple People Eaters, Koren Robinson was arrested for drunk driving following their first preseason game, a mistake for which he was released in the face of a season-long substance abuse suspension. Daunte Culpepper was escorted out of the state of Minnesota in an attempt to appease the Vikings' timid Lutheran fan base. The Vikings did manage to make a major free agent signing in OG Steve Hutchinson due to some cleverly structured language in his contract, but the Seahawks responded in kind and stole the services of restricted free agent Nate Burlseon. New head coach Brad Childress, who took over because former coach Mike Tice cried like a girl in front of his team, will attempt to run the Eagles’ version of the west coast offense, but the lack of quality components will make its success in Minnesota doubtful. The Vikings lost their first-round pick Chad Greenway to a knee injury that will sideline him for the season and cripple any hopes of fielding a top notch defense. But look out ladies, Smoot is back! Forbes magazine recently ranked the most valuable NFL teams, and the Vikings were dead last. Much of that ranking is due to the soulless concrete edifice known as the Metrodome. Look at it this way: the Saints, a team whose stadium was used as a shanty town for several weeks a year ago, are ranked higher than the Vikings. If those tight-ass Minnesotans don’t build the Vikes a new stadium soon, expect owner Zygi Wulf to fold up shop and move his operation to LA.